RABBIT.HOLE

--- constant mood swings, intrusive thoughts, and I think I was contemplating suicide every other day or so. It's been stressful. I got sick too, from the stress --- I'm still sick (and now I owe an extra $200 on top of everything else, ugh) --- but I think the cocktail of chemicals I've been taking is stabilizing my mood too lmao. Or it's the Gatorade. I grabbed a bottle while at the pharmacy lmfao.

Anyway, I've started reading A Poetry Handbook. I really want to learn poetry this year. Hopefully my health and my mental state improves so I can keep studying without getting tired too easily.

I'm entering 2025 with a lot of messes to clean up. Firstly, a $800 debt on a vet bill, which I'm hoping on a miracle for lmao. Between my own medication and house bills and everything else, it'll be hard to find money to cover that. Secondly, my living situation has not been the best since...tail end 2021? I forgot when the typhoon hit, but our house got destroyed and we've never been able to really recover after that. Most people in the town haven't. A lot just moved away to live with their relatives. Our town is slowly going quiet, slowly emptying. The recent murders have not been helping. I've seen one too many dead bodies on the street. People are agitated and desperate, so we're entering another violent period again, I think. But yeah, I haven't been eating well, haven't been sleeping well because I don't have a bed, and I had to stop my depression medication because I can't afford it. Obviously, this has not helped my mental situation, but I think I've self-regulated pretty decently since most people don't seem to have noticed. Thirdly, my absolute warzone of a mental state. Good God have mercy, I am going to have root through my head if I'm going to be a functional human being this year.

I still have goals this year, though. The one nice thing that I've always been able to fall back upon is that time will continue passing regardless. and at some point, the bad luck has to give. So, I'm gonna try to keep going. I was doing very well fighting with my suicidal tendencies last year and though I'm teetering right now, I know it's ideally good if I don't relapse, so I'm trying not to. I want to move out of the house and live on my own, because outside of the physical situation, the company I'm around isn't very good for my health and safety either. I'm aiming for a BIIIIIIIIG mag publication, so I'm going to study, study, study and really polish up on my writing skills. I'm also gonna get back to querying, because I'll be honest, the back to back to back shit that happened last year kind of took me out of querying for at least 3/4ths of the year, so my slow progress last year was my fault. I also wanna get my physical health up to somewhere healthy --- I have an eating disorder and with the poverty, I've been underweight and malnourished for years. I'm like 60 lbs lmao. I'm going to try to take care of the body as much as I can this year.

If nothing else, though, I just want to feel like a person and fall in love with being alive again. Not a very glamorous resolution like travelling or being a millionaire, but it's something. My mom always makes fun of me when I count being alive as a victory, but it genuinely is such a hard climb for me. Has been for years. Maybe moving out will make it easier.

Here's to 2025!

I've been missing Dragon Cave too so I dug up my old account and surprisingly, it was still there (I could have sworn there was this announcement some years back that inactive accs after a certain year would get deleted? But ours never got taken down). Apparently, we were also online on the site for some time back in 2019, but the memory loss has been rough. I, personally, don't remember any of that. Fun to find a lot of dragons I don't recognize on the scroll, though. I'm catching up on all the breeds I've missed since --- and I got a CB Cheese too so that's nice :)

Currently trying to do a VM test medley for both Koto and Anri Arcane's updated modes, but I've been procrastinating lmao. I've got too many ideas for new stories and I gotta write it all down before the motivation burns out.